I have been wrestling for over a week now with what to write. I almost decided to change up my whole concept for this post but finally decided it was best to stick with the plan. In fact, I noticed that my first post was over a week old and decided now was the time to just write it all down. So I am continuing my three part series on the things that have changed my life since Andrea and I found out we were pregnant. I have chosen to use one word themes to help give a clear picture of what I mean. Last time I wrote on fear, this time I am going to write on, “loathing.”
I will never forget the vast emotions I felt when I saw Eli’s face in the ultrasound. The day was supposed to be just a final check up before his big entrance into the world. Seeing Eli in the ultrasounds had always left a desire to see more. For instance, the first time I saw him he looked like a teddy gram. I mean that with as much love as possible but all he appeared to be was a little being with nubs, extremely cute and manly nubs, but nubs all the same. Then came the alien picture. The next ultrasound revealed a being that had a body and a see through head. In fact when the the lady zoomed in on his face he looked like a cross between an alien and a tiger, a cute and manly combination but a combination all the same. So on this special day I didn’t know what to expect. Everyone kept telling my wife and I that that only way to see details is to pay for a 3D ultrasound and that was not going to happen. I honestly was not expecting to see much. I figured he would look more human and less tiger but what I saw changed my life. As the ultrasound technician began all I saw was darkness and circles. The technician kept typing things into the computer such as, “blad,” which turns out is short for bladder, who knew. Needless to say I was not very excited about what I was seeing. Then she moved the camera. On the screen was not an alien tiger but these cute round cheeks, a nose, and lips. We could not see his eyes, probably because they are squinting like his father, poor guy. I was overwhelmed. In that moment all I could do was whisper softly, “hey buddy.” I fought back tears, really really fought back tears. The moment ended so fast and left me so empty. For a moment I was in this other world. It was like Eli was looking straight at me and he and I connected. I wanted more. I was tempted to ask the ultrasound technician to just keep it on his face for a moment longer. I wanted to sit and stare at him, my beautiful, handsome, son.
It was in that moment that I was flooded with this thought. “What if he is like me.” I began to go over and over in my head all the stupid things I have ever done. I replayed all the mistakes I have made and all the bad decisions I continue to make. It was then that I began to loathe the idea that my son would become like me. There are so many things about myself that I do not want Eli to have to endure….for instance…
- Bad teeth, I have horrible teeth and while I am like a cash cow to a dentist I do not want Eli to have the same problems.
- Squinty eyes, I have always hated the fact that people mock my small, squinty eyes. I want Eli to have his momma’s eyes. Those large beautiful eyes.
- Obsessive, I tend to obsess about things, and I wont let them go. Ask anyone that knows me. I can obsess over things for weeks.
- Can Not Spell, I was an English major in college who made all A’s in my classes but I can not spell to save my life. I just pray Eli has more sense than his daddy does.
- Can Not Write, my handwriting is about on a third grade level. It is so bad that a teacher in the fourth grade told me I could not graduate from high school. She was wrong, but that does not help the fact that at times even I need an interpreter to tell me what I wrote.
- Low self esteem, my whole life I have struggled with self worth. It gets so bad at times that I just want to hear someone tell me I did something right. (This is not a plug for complements) I just do not want Eli to have to struggle like I do at times.