Fear, Loathing & Paint brushes…pt. 2

I have been wrestling for over a week now with what to write. I almost decided to change up my whole concept for this post but finally decided it was best to stick with the plan. In fact, I noticed that my first post was over a week old and decided now was the time to just write it all down. So I am continuing my three part series on the things that have changed my life since Andrea and I found out we were pregnant. I have chosen to use one word themes to help give a clear picture of what I mean. Last time I wrote on fear, this time I am going to write on, “loathing.”

2. Loathing

I will never forget the vast emotions I felt when I saw Eli’s face in the ultrasound. The day was supposed to be just a final check up before his big entrance into the world. Seeing Eli in the ultrasounds had always left a desire to see more. For instance, the first time I saw him he looked like a teddy gram. I mean that with as much love as possible but all he appeared to be was a little being with nubs, extremely cute and manly nubs, but nubs all the same. Then came the alien picture. The next ultrasound revealed a being that had a body and a see through head. In fact when the the lady zoomed in on his face he looked like a cross between an alien and a tiger, a cute and manly combination but a combination all the same. So on this special day I didn’t know what to expect. Everyone kept telling my wife and I that that only way to see details is to pay for a 3D ultrasound and that was not going to happen. I honestly was not expecting to see much. I figured he would look more human and less tiger but what I saw changed my life. As the ultrasound technician began all I saw was darkness and circles. The technician kept typing things into the computer such as, “blad,” which turns out is short for bladder, who knew. Needless to say I was not very excited about what I was seeing. Then she moved the camera. On the screen was not an alien tiger but these cute round cheeks, a nose, and lips. We could not see his eyes, probably because they are squinting like his father, poor guy. I was overwhelmed. In that moment all I could do was whisper softly, “hey buddy.” I fought back tears, really really fought back tears. The moment ended so fast and left me so empty. For a moment I was in this other world. It was like Eli was looking straight at me and he and I connected. I wanted more. I was tempted to ask the ultrasound technician to just keep it on his face for a moment longer. I wanted to sit and stare at him, my beautiful, handsome, son.

It was in that moment that I was flooded with this thought. “What if he is like me.” I began to go over and over in my head all the stupid things I have ever done. I replayed all the mistakes I have made and all the bad decisions I continue to make. It was then that I began to loathe the idea that my son would become like me. There are so many things about myself that I do not want Eli to have to endure….for instance…

  1. Bad teeth, I have horrible teeth and while I am like a cash cow to a dentist I do not want Eli to have the same problems.
  2. Squinty eyes, I have always hated the fact that people mock my small, squinty eyes. I want Eli to have his momma’s eyes. Those large beautiful eyes.
  3. Obsessive, I tend to obsess about things, and I wont let them go. Ask anyone that knows me. I can obsess over things for weeks.
  4.  Can Not Spell, I was an English major in college who made all A’s in my classes but I can not spell to save my life. I just pray Eli has more sense than his daddy does.
  5. Can Not Write, my handwriting is about on a third grade level. It is so bad that a teacher in the fourth grade told me I could not graduate from high school. She was wrong, but that does not help the fact that at times even I need an interpreter to tell me what I wrote.
  6. Low self esteem, my whole life I have struggled with self worth. It gets so bad at times that I just want to hear someone tell me I did something right. (This is not a plug for complements) I just do not want Eli to have to struggle like I do at times.
There are many other things that I loathe about myself but I will leave the number at 6, it seems appropriate. Its just a heavy thought that my son will be like me. It means I have to change a lot of things. In seeing his face it hit me that this is real. It was no longer this cute thought but was now reality. I think it was a gut check for me.

2 thoughts on “Fear, Loathing & Paint brushes…pt. 2

  1. I’m praying for you Broughton. Eli will grow up to be a great man of God with you and Andrea as parents. I love both of you guys and want to send as much encouragement as possible for you. You and Andrea have been great inspirations to me, and I’m sure Eli will be a great man because he is going to be raised by one of the greatest men I know.

  2. This is so wondeful. Now i have to figure out how to keep this site. I love you so much. I can’t wait to hold Eli in my arms.

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