And then I SAW your face….now I am a Believer!

So Eli is here and I am at a loss for words. My whole life my mom has told me that I would never understand how much she loves me until I held my own child in my arms. I never disbelieved my mom. I just didn’t get what she meant. The whole concept of this deep love that is only between a parent and their child was such a foreign concept to me. I always just figured my mom was overly emotional. I figured she was just trying to make sense of how SHE felt.

Personally  I am not that emotional. I do not tend to get all weepy eyed and cry a lot. If you have ever seen me cry it is because I CAN NOT control how I feel. If you have ever made me cry that is a big deal.

That all changed on Friday Oct 21, 2011 at 11:18 a.m.

The morning went fairly smooth but I had some serious issues trying to get the little shoe coverings over my shoes. After almost falling over and asking the nurse for help we finally got them on. The whole morning my mind was all over the place. I did not have a clue what to expect or what was to come.

I remember sitting outside the operating room in my goofy little hospital gown. I kept fiddilng with the camera. I would turn it off and on. At one point I took a picture of myself just to pass the time. I kept repeating and trying not to forget my wife’s request….or rather command, to take pictures….lots of pictures….because we could always delete the bad ones.

I was shaking and my heart was racing.

The whole morning I had done mental breathing exercises to keep from crying. By this point I was just worried about walking into the room and not falling over. When the nurse called for me to come into the room my heart attempted to jump out of my chest. As I walked in the room I could see the doctor’s working on Andrea. I just focused on her face and headed to my chair. I sat down, kissed her head and began to wait.

I held her hand

We waited

I fiddled with the power button on the camera…..remembering my one job

We waited

I fought back tears

we waited

and then I HEARD my son cry……

I lost it….all I could do was cry. My son actually had a funny sounding cry. Its very high pitched and almost monkey like. I am balling my eyes out to the point that my glasses are fogging up and my beautiful bride is sitting there giggling because of Eli’s cry.

Then I SAW my son

I am sure he was covered in blood and to anyone else completely gross…but to me…..He was wonderful.

and as I type these words I am crying again because it was the most beautiful sight my eyes have ever beheld. In that moment something changed in me. Suddenly my life had no meaning, no worth. I just wanted to make sure he was okay. I got up and walked to the place where the nurses were cleaning him off and snapped pictures.

I was so afraid that something could be wrong. I just wanted them to tell me everything was perfect. The nurses assured me he was doing good.

Then like a whirlwind he was placed in my arms.

I cried more

The nurse took a picture of me holding Eli and then I walked and showed him to Andrea, we took another picture and I was escorted to the nursery.

I am stopping here because I want to share some of the experiences we had in the hospital in a different post…..teaser…I know!

Needless to say I have cried a lot over the past few days. I know that in some way it strips me completely of my manhood to cry so much but I do not care. My life changed on friday and I will never be the same. For so long I didn’t believe my mom. I didn’t get how I could love something as deeply as she described but I tell you the truth….

I saw his face……..now I am a believer!

7 thoughts on “And then I SAW your face….now I am a Believer!

  1. Josh, as a parent, we always wonder how much our children truly hear us. And the wonderful, fulfilling thing is……most of the time they do! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said to Ash & Trav the very same thing your mom said to you; that you won’t really understand until you have children of your own. Ash gets this; she would defend her two with her life! And now the torch is passed……all our struggles, all our hopes, all our fears, ALL our attempts to teach all of you kids, have now come to fruition. And the wonderful part is…..we get to watch it all AND have the pleasure and privilege of being a part of it, as grandparents. Love you. Aunt K.

  2. I love your stories and this one is extra special! Crying is good — it’s a God-given repsonse to release the pain or the joy we are holding inside. Babies are a blessing and you and Andrea have been truly blessed! It’s an amazing thing being a parent, and I can tell you your little one will help raise you to be the best parent you can be! It happened to me! Enjoy every minute to the fullest, for the first year is filled with new and wonderful surprises and changes each day! It’s an incredible time for you two!

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