Before I get deep into this blog, I want to let everyone know that the toilet lid has arrived, and it looks great on top of the porcelain throne. We are planning a special ceremony for the old lid, which will entail carefully slamming it into the trash can and walking away. We decided to make it a private ceremony. It will be tough, but we will make it through.
On to a serious note. I have had a few people ask me how this situation has changed me. So, I decided I would write a quick post to share how Ole Scruffy has affected me.
Scruffy has made me more honest. It has drawn out of me a reality that I have spent my whole life as a people pleasure. I have lived in the shadow of the fear of man. I have finally come to grips with the fact that I have spent my adult life worshiping people over worshiping my savior. It has affected my ability to share openly what I think. It has forced me to hide myself in cracks and crags, dependent on people to pull me out of the depths of my own fear. My desire to make people happy has even made me hate myself at times. I have literally looked in the mirror and thought, “who are you?”
Scruffy has taught me I don’t have time. I have always heard that life is short. I now know how true that is. There is something that occurred when I thought my wife and I were on a clock. It rattled my sense of stability. It cut into my soul like a tiger ravishes its prey. However, now life is sweeter. Now I appreciated playing legos with Eli a whole lot more. Laughing is so much sweeter. My life just has a different color these days.
Scruffy has made me more, “touchy-feely.” I am not a hand holder. I am also not really into hugging. Sincerely, I get no joy in holding people’s babies. I do, I don’t hate it, but it’s just the way I am not geared. And yes, I have confessed that to our church. I guess I will never make a good politician. However, I hold my wife a lot more these days. I know look forward to hold her hand while driving down the road. Sometimes when we head to bed, I look over at her incessantly and watch her sleep. While it is a bit creepy, I just appreciate her breathing so much more than I used to. Who knew Scruffy was such a romantic.
Within the same category, Scruffy has allowed me the opportunity to fall in love again. As weird as it may sound, the whole situation has given me the chance to see my wife again. Our marriage was not bad. We had not fallen out of love. But, Ole Scruffy has given me the opportunity to remember all the things I love, cherish, and adore about her. Seeing her bald head every day, has reminded me how beautiful she is to me. Giving up part of her identity in an effort to fight Scruffy, has given me a moment to relieve all the precious days we have journey together. And you know what, I would do it all over again.
Scruffy has also reminded me why I love theater. My theater friends are a second family. They are not just individuals I spend time with. I have had people who are on the far end the of the spectrum from my religious beliefs, say some of the sweetest things to me concerning my wife. There was even a theater back home that dedicated their summer show to my wife’s recovery. I know I am biased, but I think theater people are quite swell.
Finally, Scruffy has also reminded me how good God is. I know, I know, I know, I am supposed to get angry and violent towards Him. However, I have seen Him work in amazing ways. People we don’t know have reached out to us and taken care of my family. People have supported us physically, verbally and finically. One family near us has brought us enough food each week to feed us for days. Because of their generosity, we haven’t had a need to do legitimate grocery shopping since June. With my bride being down for weeks at a time, if food was left in my hands, we would either eat a lot of bacon and eggs, get sick from food poisoning, or starve. We have even received letters from as far away as Australia. While none of it can take away the gravity of our situations, these things act as an emotional buffer between the pain of the process and the hope for being cured.
I know that in times like these people tend to only focus on the bad. Trust me, it is easy to do. However, I have tried to wrestle with the good that is coming out of this chaos. I want to learn everything I can from this experience. I also hope one day to help people through the very same struggle. The list above is not exhaustive. It doesn’t scratch the surfice of what I am learning about myself and life. However, it is a good barometer for what I have learned and continue to learn. The reality is that this stage in our marriage and life with make the rest of our days sweeter. It will also make the salty and warm breeze of the ocean feel so much grander as we #LookTowardstheSea.