I chose not to post last week. I know that in the blogging world that is detrimental to keeping up readership, however, I needed a week to breathe. With the impending surgery this week, I felt it was a good job to separate myself for a moment and think through what the next few weeks would hold. What I figured out is that I have no idea.
Last week my bride and I were asked if we are ready. The simple answer is that cognitively we are prepared. Emotionally we have considered what the next few weeks will be like. As far as preperation, we have everything in place. Personally, I have no idea what tomorrow will be like.
It’s hard to really grasp what’s going to happen tomorrow morning. Around 10:30 a.m. et. my wife will go under the knife. I will sit in a waiting room with our family. Emotions will be all over the place and my bride get’s the joy of sleeping through all of it. Of course, I don’t think she gets the better end of the deal, but she does get to sleep, that will be nice for her.
In preparation for surgery, my bride and I have had a lot of conversations. One of the toughest occurred the other evening. As we laid in bed watching t.v., she asked me , “Are you worried that I am going to die.” That question squeezed my heart. I quickly responded with a definitive, “No.” However, the damage was done.
My mind went racing. Thoughts from a few months ago began to creep into my soul. They danced on top of my mind like little demons. They poked, prodded and mocked me. They forced me to relive feelings I have repressed for a long time. Laying in bed, holding my wife, I fought back the urge to weep.
I am honestly not worried about her dying. I know that with any surgery there are always risks, but I have faith that she will do just fine. I am more worried about the recovery phase. I don’t like to see her in pain. I don’t like to see her cry and I know there will be a lot of that over the next few weeks. That worries me more than potential death.
I am also worried my wife won’t rest. I know her, she will want to be back to normal as soon as possible. In most areas of life, she pushes herself. She works when she doesn’t have to work, she cleans when it’s not needed ,and she mothers without any hint of fatigue.
Part of her issue is that my bride has an innate drive to not be a burden. If I have learned anything through all of this I have learned that she has some grit. She has got some nasty fight in her. At her weakest point, she has stood up like a Roman guard in a phalanx. She held her shield, she stood her ground and she fought.
I have been amazed by her fight. She determined a long time ago that Ole Scruffy will not define her. He may have attacked her body. He may have won a few battles, but he will not win the war.
True, we both have had weak moments. Neither of us will come out of this without scares, but she has fought with diligence and grace. I’m honored to be loved by her. I am humbled to have journey this far by her side.
So tomorrow we ride. We will raise our hands in battle against the treacherous foe cancer and we will win. Ole Scruffy may have won a few battles. He may have beaten us down. He may have brought us to tears, but tomorrow he will fall. Tomorrow he will lose. Tomorrow we will rejoice that the war is over and we can recover in peace.
I want to thank everyone who is praying for us. It takes an army to defeat cancer and with all of you we are legion. If you get a moment, please be sure to send up a word. We are thankful for everyone who is battling with us. The road to victory begins in the morning and by the setting of the sun we will claim victory over Ole Scruffy. He has had his reign of terror and tomorrow his kingdom will fall.